Summary of Trip to Brazil

It's been awhile since I wrote anything via email - thank you for your messages, thoughts and prayers that continue to come my way. I can see the difference in my world, daily.

Having this break from chemo is wonderful in many ways. I'm writing this as I wait to be called for my CT scan. I am so out of the habit of coming to Dana Farber that this morning, on my way here, I took a wrong turn and found myself headed to Cape Cod instead! It took a bit before I realized what I was doing and that I was headed to the wrong place. But so fun!

The biggest event recently: I returned from a two-week trip to a small town in Brazil to see John of God. There is alot of hype around him, and miraculous healings do occur in his presence and where he is.

I went mostly because I was called to go. My usual trips involve well-traveled paths, nice hotels, and lots of family and friends. To see John of God, I would be going to a small town with unknown but certainly not lavish accommodations, all by myself. Still, life events moved me in that direction, and I'm starting to learn that it is best to pay attention to those kinds of signs.

So, I signed up with a guide named Josie and a group of 17 strangers, flew into Brasilia Airport, met three others from our group and shared the 1.5 hour taxi ride to our pousada in Abadiania.

The pousada was clean and accommodations basic. My room had a tile floor, two twin beds with a nightstand between them, a wardrobe, one painting on the wall, a patio, and a small bathroom. 

The sink had one faucet - cold water only - and we were not to flush anything, including toilet paper, down the toilet. The shower water was heated by a coil in the shower head. If the water came through too quickly, it didn't heat enough. Too slowly, it was hot but you got barely a trickle. If the shower head smoked, I was told, turn it off and get help. Okay.

Next, I wanted to check out the food. I follow a vegan diet and love to juice green vegetables every day. I figured that I would need to be flexible on this trip, but the pousada food more than fit the bill. Every single day, for both lunch and dinner, they created eight amazing vegan salads, eight warm vegan dishes (including a bean dish), plus one chicken dish, and one warm dish that might include cheese. They even had olive oil! 

The desserts were an array of fresh tropical fruits plus one dessert that had sugar. As far as solid food, I was more than covered!

I soon learned that everyone in our group followed a non-standard diet, as I recognized the "no carbs, no sugar" talk, or noticed the Himalayan sea salt that someone would pull out of their bag. These might be strangers, but we were definitely kindred spirits.

Stepping outside the pousada, if you turn left and walk maybe a hundred steps, you reach the Casa. The Casa is a collection of small buildings and a garden, and it is where John of God does his work. There is the main hall, which functions as a place for quiet prayer, group rosaries, and waiting to sit in Current or to see John of God (more on those later). There is a garden with wooden benches where you can sit and contemplate, meditate, pray, sleep, etc. There is a kitchen and stone picnic tables for serving and eating bowls of soup, a shop where they sell crystals, rosaries, etc., a little cafe, bathrooms....you get the idea. Lots of little buildings spread over the grounds.

Entrance to the Casa

Benches for reading, meditating, etc.

If you turned right out of our pousada, you would find an internet cafe, other pousadas, and a series of small shops. Some sell crystals and clothing, others sell soaps and lotions. The pizzeria provided amazing pizzas, organic salads, and you could drop off your laundry there as well. 

And my favorite hangout: Frutti's, the juice bar. Score! Frutti's served smoothies made in a VitaMix, as well as fruit juices and green juice, made in a juicer like the one I have at home. I LOVE IT!!! I was there almost every night. This was my kind of place.

Each of us, presumably, took this trip for a reason, though we introduced ourselves with our names and not our challenges or what we hoped to gain from the trip. It felt wonderful to be just Marie and not someone dealing with cancer. Our personal challenges just weren't part of the conversation unless we ourselves decided to bring them up, and we simply didn't focus on that.

Before I took this trip, I did a little bit of reading about this place, and people described all the love they felt. I kept an eye out for that, but everyone seemed to be kind, not loving in the way it sounded. No worries - it was a good trip and definitely exactly where I was supposed to be. So I settled in for the ride.

From our first group meeting, I realized that Josie was a FABULOUS guide, and "fabulous" even feels inadequate. I really liked her as a person, but also, she provided all the information, in all the detail we needed, as we needed it and not before. For example, the night before we were to see John of God, and not earlier, she gave us the information we needed to be prepared for that and for anything he might direct us to do. Trusting that I would get the information I needed, when I needed it, helped me to let go of worrying about logistics and really just be in the moment. It also helped me to, overall, feel like I didn't need to worry about anything and it would all be alright.

And then there was our group. We were a mix of men and women from the U.S. and Canada, born in a variety of countries, including China, India, Philippines, Italy and the Dominican Republic. Our ages spanned at least 30 years. We were couples, singles, friends and relatives. Some of us clicked instantly, some of us were more reserved, some more open. 

Tiron and I have taken group trips before, and I study group dynamics, so many elements of group trips were consistent here. There is the potential for an "in" group, the ones for whom this trip just comes easily to them. They were meant to be here, and are the "teacher's pets" of the group leader. In my experience, there is always one scapegoat - the person that everyone avoids, who no one wants as a dinner companion, who just feels high maintenance and out of step with the rest of the group. At best, people ignore this person. At worst, others make snide comments behind their backs or even to their face. There are smaller groups that form within themselves, who do the group activities at a faster or slower pace. As I looked around, I started to see the seeds of all this.

But this group didn't evolve in that way. We formed as a WHOLE GROUP.  I don't know exactly why or how, but it totally blew my mind. Maybe it was because we were all there for our own growth and healing, and that negativity just takes away from our own goals. Maybe it was the makeup of our particular group. I don't know. 

It was decidedly NOT COOL to treat someone in a way that was not loving. If you did, no one would give you the cold shoulder or make you aware that it wasn't cool, or tell you not to do that. It just felt like everyone started seeing the light in themselves and in each other, and when you do that, it is harder to be critical or demeaning to another in any way.

This is part of what I am still processing, or mostly, actually, just letting it be and periodically staring at it with wonder.

I will skip to the John of God part. You can research whatever you like on him; here is my take:

John of God is a medium. Entities inhabit his body with the intention to help us each heal. The entities don't necessarily work directly on the disease or the challenge on which you are focused, but instead on the root of it. Their intention and power lies in bringing us always closer to God through love and helping us to shed anything that blocks us from opening our hearts to God. Our healing begins there, with that love and connection. John of God always says that it is not him who heals, but God.  The huge power of and belief in God permeates everything and everyone. 

Quite possibly, that may be why we were all so loving toward one another, and why that love grew and continues to grow, even now that we are in our separate homes. You are pretty much your best self in the face of love like that.

On the days we saw John of God in entity, we dressed all in white. My first thought was that this isn't my best color, but once I sat with the crowd of people, I appreciated the calm and visual quiet of having white everywhere. 

To meet with John of God, you first walk through the Current room, where people are meditating for hours on end, sending good energy to you and to John of God. The energy literally flows through them and through everyone in line. It is so tangible you can feel it. I saw John of God in entity briefly, where he directed me toward surgery. First I got a bowl of this incredible healing soup, then had lunch and returned for surgery.

My surgery was a spiritual surgery (as opposed to a physical surgery, where you are cut open). I sat, with a group of others also having spiritual surgery, with my eyes closed for about an hour. If you want to read more about that, the link is at the end of this message. It was indeed surreal.

After surgery, I spent 24 hours in my room, lying down. The pousada staff brought my meals, and I could get up to eat and to go to the bathroom. That is it. No reading, no music, no writing, no chatting. I tried to do more than lie down and could not because it was physically painful. Though I joke that it was like being in solitary confinement, it was more like a spiritual recovery room or ICU. Twenty-four hours of solitude and silence isn't easy, but I did get alot of out it.

Other days, I spent time in Current, sending energy to John of God and those in the line to see him. Sitting in Current means you sit with no body parts crossed (no crossing your arms, legs, hands, etc.) and eyes closed the entire time. Because John of God sees each person who wants to see him, the length of Current depends on the size of the crowd. You don't know how long you will be there, though it is typically between 3 and 4 hours.  I was really worried that I couldn't do it, but I did, I think four times, and it was amazing. For the all people I met who had miraculous healings (including a brain tumor, Parkinsons, and others), they ALL say that sitting in Current is the most powerful tool for their healing.

Before I wrap up, I want to mention the sacred waterfall. When I was little, I watched lots of Bugs Bunny, and there was one cartoon where he would shower under a waterfall. Every since then, I thought that would be a really cool thing to do. But I'm not really that outdoorsy, so figured that would never happen. And then, HERE IT IS! We walked into the woods to this incredibly beautiful place. A piece of me kept thinking things like, "Okay, they call this a sacred waterfall. And it is nice. But sacred?" After I did it, though, I now also called it sacred. 

That is my high-level view of the trip. There is much more to it; I have a gazillion little stories, as well as small stories that weave together into a larger story. I am still processing the ways in which it is changing me and my life, and I continue to feel its impacts. Many people who see me regularly have commented that I physically changed. I feel like I just discovered this whole new world and I don't want to lose it. Our group is keeping our connection going, so we can keep the feeling alive and allow it to grow.  

As I sit here waiting for my CT scan, I don't know if I got my physical healing, but I do know that whatever I did get was what I truly needed. And while I would so love to be physically rid of any and all cancer cells in my body, I feel tangibly aware now that there is much much more in my life and in our world that I can tap into. Despite my initial impression of not feeling the love, I slowly, over the two weeks, felt love inside and around me that is more expansive and powerful than I ever imagined. I believe that that is a huge part of my healing, why our group evolved as it did, why we treasured each others' stories, why we could laugh at each other's and our own quirks, why what could be annoyances instead became endearing, and why we are bound together with an enormous love that vibrates.

I share that love with you, and know that you will grow it and pass it along.
Marie

If you are interested in the day-to-day observations, you can check them out here, starting on July 30.

Answers to Questions

Thank you for waiting with me for the scan results. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts and hope. 

I go into Dana Farber for my blood draw later today, at 1:15. I have an appointment with my doctor (where I will get the scan results) at 2:15 and then chemo is scheduled for 3:15, assuming all run on time.

I'll send a quick note tomorrow with the scan results for anyone who might be interested, but wanted to send this note out prior to chemo to ask, yet again, for your prayers for an easy and effective chemo session! Thank you.


In general, I feel that when I pose a question, it is answered in one way or another. Often I have to wait a bit, but the answer comes. For example, before each boy was born, I had these intensely real dreams, the kind that stay with you for a long time. I wondered what they were all about, but it wasn't until after each child was born that I realized that those dreams practically announced their arrivals. 

Lately, when I pose a question, the answer comes so quickly that it almost feels like I am having a direct conversation with the universe. For example, on Saturday night, we tried to get a dinner reservation for 10 people. No place could fit us in, and our first choice place hadn't called back, so we settled on the Cheesecake Factory. I didn't think about it for hours, then suddenly wondered what I could eat that night. Using Tiron's iPhone to look up the menu, I clicked on the Cheesecake Factory website just as his phone rang: It was our first-choice restaurant calling to say they could fit us in.

Or, the other day, during my walk around Fresh Pond, I thought, "I wonder if the owl is here today?" Almost as if I said it out loud, the man passing me replied, "The owl is here, sleeping in that hole."

I sometimes question why I continue with different alternative treatments. You probably know that I try just about any alternative treatment that friends suggest, and if I haven't tried it, it just means that I haven't worked my way down my list yet. It took me about two years to get around to trying Tom Tam's sessions. Several folks recommended these to me, and I finally started going in, I think, January. Maybe December. 

Anyway, I knew very little about it before I went. The process is called Tong Ren and the person who leads it, here, is Tom Tam. 

This is what it looks like: You walk into a room that has rows of chairs, all facing forward, and take a seat. The sessions I've attended have approximately 70 people of all ages, shapes and sizes. 

In front of the room, Tom Tam and about 10 other practitioners stand facing the group. Tom Tam and the other practitioners each hold a silver hammer in one hand and a plastic doll in the other. The doll has lines and dots that I assume correspond to meridians and acupressure or acupuncture points. 

One by one, Tom Tam asks each person why they are there. The wide range of issues raises my awareness of the many ways we can be afflicted: Allergies, sinus problems, back problems, cancer that has spread hither and yon, autoimmune disorders, ALS, MS….the list goes on. 

After each person names their symptoms or disease, he calls out a few points and the leaders (and some of the attendees who brought their own dolls and hammers) start pounding at these points on their dolls. For a few moments, you hear nothing but the soft taps of hammer on plastic, and then he moves on to ask the next person.

As I listen and support each person, I like to believe that no problem or illness is bigger than any other. If something is making you miserable, it is making you miserable. There is no real way to compare misery. 

I have to admit, though, that when someone said they were suffering from an occasional runny nose, I thought, "WHAT? Why would you come here for that?" Of course, at that moment in the doll-pounding, my chronically clogged sinuses suddenly cleared. Wild. Okay. Got it.

After a few months of attending these sessions, I sat listening to the tong ren gang pounding away and silently wondered why I continue to do this. 

Tom asked the next person, more doll-pounding, then asked the next.

Soon he came to Frank. Frank appeared to be a few years older than I am, and a bit rough in a street-smart kind of way. When he spoke, I heard his Boston accent, as well as his heart.

"Eight years ago, I was diagnosed with stage four cancer in my throat. I spent nine months in the hospital. I was on a feeding tube and lost over 60 pounds. I was told not to expect to live very long, but they would do surgery and take out what they could. As a last resort, I came here. I sat here watching this man pound on a little doll, and wondered what the (heck) I was doing in this room. It felt crazy. But I kept coming back. And when it was time for my surgery, the doctors opened me up but couldn't find a trace of my cancer."

He was there for maintenance, though self-centered me thinks that he was there to answer my question. It certainly felt that way that night.

I hope you find answers to your questions, whether those questions feel big or small. It is still nice to have answers and support, and I truly appreciate yours.

On another note, the Boston Globe did a really nice write-up on my father-in-law in Sunday's paper. If you would like to read it, here is the link:

http://www.boston.com/yourtown/cambridge/articles/2012/03/25/maurice_pechet_innovator_mentor_in_science_medicine/

Thank you again for hanging in there with me!

Love love love,
Marie

CT scan coming up

Thank you so much for your prayers and positive thoughts for the last round of chemo. Though I still vomited (again, before chemo) and spent the next two days in bed, it felt much more manageable and I was able to rebound on Friday. This is enormously different than it used to be, where I wouldn't show signs of life until the following Monday. Thank you. You make a difference in my life and in the lives of Tiron and the boys.

This week is filled with medical tests for our family, including strep, eye, cardiac and CT. While I'm not naming names, you can guess who is headed for the CT scan. Each of these tests has a best case and a worst case outcome, providing a generous base for both hope and worry.  Our marital approach is to feel the stress but not discuss it. Maybe not the best approach, but otherwise, we would likely talk about nothing else.

I felt quite good physically, the weather was fabulous, and I could use an outlet for the stress, so I took our dog, Kenobi, for a walk around Fresh Pond. This is a 2.24 mile loop around the local reservoir, where Kenobi can run without a leash and I can sometimes run into friends. That day, I ran into Rick, who was literally running. It has been years since I myself ran, but I wanted to visit for a bit and didn't want to hold him back. So, I ran alongside him, while he kindly slowed down for me. Though I didn't run far, it still felt fabulous to be able to run at all.

Rick ran ahead, and I returned to walking around the rest of the loop. Near the end, Amy ran up behind me. With my new-found running confidence, I ran alongside Amy so we could visit. I was enjoying our chat while slowly starting to worry about the upcoming hill. Should I do it? Could I do it? Did I want to?

Just before we reached the hill, Amy needed to veer off into a building, and I walked on. 

The tests for strep, eyes and cardiac all returned good results. Woo hoo! We were surprised each time, and are feeling pretty grateful. My CT scan is scheduled for Friday morning and I get the results on Tuesday. When I start to feel any worry creeping up, I think of Amy and smile inside. 

Still would appreciate any prayers and positive thoughts for a good outcome though. :-)

With much gratitude for your continued presence in my life,

Marie

CT scan shows tumors shrinking and other answers to prayer

Thank you for your prayers today, and all the power of the FB prayers as well (and thank you for keeping me anonymous!). They definitely did something because...

1. for the first time in recent memory, I did not vomit during chemo and

2. though I was wheeled out of the hospital, I am currently, actually able to be sitting up on our sofa. 

And, your prayers directed toward a good CT scan made an impact - both my tumors are smaller, with no new ones showing, either! I was bracing myself for any news and very happy to hear that. Thank you for all the energy you sent that helps to shrink these. I do believe that our energies can work together to make something happen, both intended and unintended.

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Other news: On January 30 at 5:30, I will participate in a panel discussion following a short film called Outside In. The film is about a woman who was diagnosed with advanced cancer and not given long to live. It is now 10 years later - she will be there, too. Her journey is quite interesting!

 http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2012/01/commonhealth-meet-up-outside-in/

The event will start at 5:30 at WBUR on Monday, January 30. It’s free, but seats are limited. Please RSVP to events@wbur.org.

It would be wonderful to see you if you can make it.

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Now, for another miracle story. I can't remember if I shared this with you went it happened. It felt so surreal that I wasn't sure how to to talk about it.

Today, between appointments at Dana Farber, I wanted to download some songs onto my iPhone. I couldn't get anything to download, so I asked my techie husband to help me either do that or help me to find the songs that were already on there. 

"There are no songs on there," he said, looking through my phone. "Not even one."

I typically use my phone for calling, texting, doing email and taking fuzzy photos.  But I knew I listened to music on it once before, and I decided that that music had to be on here.

So - I reminded my husband of a particularly challenging week in the summer. I was lined up to have this big surgery, kept getting hospitalized, and had unexplained bleeding.  I prayed to God to thank Him for His presence but I could use a little reminder that He is there. And I went to get an ultrasound, followed immediately by a visit to a gynecologist. The sign in their office said no cell phones, so I turned my off.

Leaving the doctor's office, i took my cellphone out of my purse, turned it on and put the earpiece in my ear. I heard voices in the earpiece, and assumed it was just interference. I fished in my purse for my keys, zipped up my handbag, and then repositioned the earpiece for my walk to the car. I intended to make a couple of phone calls.

But the chatter was still there, and when I stopped to listen, more closely, I heard James Taylor's You've Got a Friend. Well, that was interesting. I looked at my phone - nothing was playing or accidentally hit. I looked at the music list - nothing there. Well, the song was making me feel good so I stood there and listened through to the end. That was nice. Then, before I could even move to make my phone call, another song came on, equally as engaging and feel-good.

After this second song, I walked to the car, listening to the third. I sat in the car, still listening, and decided to drive home. I continued to listen the entire way to what appeared to be a playlist made just for me.

No one was home when I arrived, so I relaxed on the sofa and continued listening. The "busy" piece of me wondered when this would end. But I knew that I couldn't recreate it, so I stayed. And sure enough, after exactly one hour of play, the music stopped. 

I walked around feeling slightly puzzled and mostly blessed. I figured that Tiron could solve it. I didn't want him to burst my bubble, but the scientific side of me wondered how this playlist might happen. He couldn't figure it out, and I haven't downloaded tunes since.

Until today. I really wanted to listen to music. But it wouldn't download, and my husband confirmed that none were there.

I feel like I got that little miracle when I need it, and the reminder when I needed it.

This is one of the many reasons that I believe in the power of prayer, and that simple miracles appear when we need them. I am still awe-struck by this, and, it makes me happy. And I want you to know that these kinds of things are possible.

Love to you,

Marie

CT scan is clean!

Yesterday was the inauguration of Barack Obama, our new president and a symbol of hope and renewal for our country. The changeover occurs at noon, whether or not he has been sworn in.

Yesterday, I had my six-month check-up appointment with my oncologist to get the results of my CT scan. In the waiting room, I met a man, his wife and brother. The man was in the first third of his treatment for colon cancer. I could see myself in him, last year at this time, and I could feel the difference in myself from then till now.

At five minutes to 12, I sat with my husband and oncologist in her office. We commented on how we were missing the inauguration, then she told me that my CT scan showed no sign of cancer. YAY!

We talked about other things -- the results of my blood tests, my continued low white count, the little and thankfully unchanged things they see in my lungs and thyroid, and kids. Always kids -- a neutral topic that somehow connects some of us.

And then, we left, with a new lease on life and a new president!

Anticipating my six month CT check-up

So, my CT scan is coming up. This is my six-month check-up after finishing chemo. I have the scan next Tuesday. Then the following Tuesday, Inauguration Day, I meet with my oncologist to get the results. In fact, my appointment is at 11:30 am, just about the time of the inauguration! I hope this is the beginning of a wonderful new phase for all of us.

This weekend, I started to obsessively plan trips. I'm not someone with wanderlust, so this isn't normal behavior for me. After recording every day off, long weekend and school vacation between now and April, I became a woman obsessed with planning places to go and things to do. I specifically wanted places that were fun, interesting, different, and potentially non-refundable. On top of that, I found a blank spot in my schedule and committed to taking a course this semester. Because, if I plan these things, there is a future, right?

I'm realizing that planning these trips is my coping mechanism for dealing with the stress of any upcoming tests. While I can often pretend that cancer is behind me, the next few weeks contain vivid reminders that I live under a bit of a cloud. There is my CT scan, and the follow-up appointment for that. Then, my mammogram (yup, still doing those!) and my follow-up for that. The good news is that these are all in a span of a few weeks, then it is (fingers crossed, lotsa prayers) back to life as usual.

But for now, I'm trying to drink lots of water so that they can more easily find a vein to get blood out, contrast in. I'm trying to relax. And I'm eating lots of chocolate!

CT scan is clean!

Hi everyone,

Since last Sept, I have been hoping to be able to send this happy message. I am almost completely done with treatment and moving into follow- up mode!

In these two weeks, I'm doing tons of tests, but the one I was waiting for was the CT scan to see if any little buggers are still in my bod. And, none showed up! Yay!

I am thrilled to be able to share this news, though, of course, I am cautiously optimistic. I know you can relate to that. As fate would have it, I walked out of that meeting with my good news and and ran slam bang into a woman there dealing with the return of her husband's cancer. A little reminder. Oh well. I'm still enjoying the moment, especially knowing that, if it returns, I would be really bummed out if I didn't enjoy the NOW!

I don't know where to begin to say thank you for your support. You guys were there from the raw beginning, when I was asking for advice on how to prep for a colonoscopy! Your presence is way more huge than I can even begin to get my head, heart, arms around. And, it's almost midnight and I'm tired but wanted to share this while it was still new news.

Much love and all good wishes for a most awesome summer,
Marie