Monday, February 27, 2012

Light in the darkness

Once again, I want to say thank you for your prayers and good wishes. We got to take a 10-day ski vacation last week, and I know I would not have had the energy to enjoy this wonderful trip without you sharing your energy so generously.

I am going into chemo tomorrow (Tuesday), so if you don't mind, would you say a quick prayer for a relatively easy and very effective chemo session? Thank you!

Lately, when I wake up in the morning, I immediately thank God that I am awake. I am not kidding. And then, when I can get up and move around, I give thanks for that. There have been plenty of days when I could not, so I'm trying to remember that even that seemingly little thing is a gift, not to be taken for granted.

I feel like I know so many people either dealing with or affected by cancer. This week alone, two of our friends with advanced disease got bad news, and another went in for surgery to try and get off his feeding tube. This is nasty crap. 

Also, a couple of weeks ago, Jeffrey Zaslow died in a car accident. He was a columnist for the Wall Street Journal, and he wrote several books, including The Last Lecture with Randy Pausch. Jeff impacted the direction of my life on three separate occasions, and we were in occasional email contact that was always uplifting to me. He was concerned for my health; I don't think that either of us suspected that he would go first. 

Why I get to still be walking around is a mystery to me. Life feels more and more random. As it does, I do find peace by trusting that Someone Else is in charge. Frankly, when I try to put myself in charge, I don't always make the best choices. So now, when I am worried and can't sleep, I literally hand over my worries to God and tell him that He is to hold them for me overnight. I usually add that it would be great if He solved them, but, if He didn't, I would take them off HIs hands in the morning.

Often, I forget to take them back. Whoops. When I do take them back, I ask for guidance on getting through them. Sometimes I wonder if He thinks about me the way I do my kids: Can't she do this on her own? Does she need help from me for every little thing?

Yes, i do. 

Then I go about my day. I literally look for tiny miracles. Here is one: I called my friend on Sunday to say Happy Birthday. I'm horrible at remembering birthdays but working on that. Anyway, I happened to step outside with the phone. The crescent moon shone brightly, along with two bright "stars" nearby. I'm not a regular stargazer, a nature-lover or an outdoors person, but this was breathtaking to me. 

She told me that it was Venus and Jupiter lined up with this very cool and bright crescent moon. Amazing. The number of things that had to come together to make that happen - for me to even step outside, notice the sky, and be talking with someone who knew what it was - just made my day, and best of all, I got to share it with an old and dear friend.

Those stars were so bright that everything dark just faded into the background.

Your support is like that. It is bright and shiny and breathtaking.  It makes all the darkness fade into the background, and it feels like a miracle to me that you are there, hanging in there with me, staying on this path. Thank you for sharing your light and love.

I hope you se light in your life, and many blessings in your week.

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