Monday, September 14, 2009

Coming out of my isolation and slowly resurfacing

You guys are getting hard to ignore! I don't know how to say thank you for hanging in there with me, in so many ways. All the flowers have been a beautiful and touching surprise (We are here! made me cry!), and the e-mails and candle-lighting and's amazing and overwhelming. And, as much as I want to crawl in my hole, I'm starting to feel positively rude by not saying anything. Thank you for forcing me out a bit, and for shining a light.

This surgery has been my hardest so far, both physically and emotionally. Definitely hardest emotionally. I came out of my other surgeries feeling a bit like Superwoman ("This cancer can't get me down!") and now I feel more like, well, woman ("Yikes --I'm human").

I've spent alot of time feeling very mortal, wondering how long I will live, wondering what to do next. Seeing cancer and death everywhere. Feeling sorry for myself and the kids. Mostly feeling sorry for myself
and the kids.

The surgery was open abdominal surgery, meaning the cut runs from belly to pubic bone. I'm feeling better but still so sore
there! And I have this "bag" hanging off my belly. I guess it is convenient, but feels so weird. My intestine sticks out of my abs and pours into that. Weird. And grosses me out every time I change it (about every four days). They say that I can wear normal clothes soon, but I can't even imagine it! You know how, when you eat gassy foods, your belly expands? Well, this bag expands, but only on one side of my body, so that looks weird AND there is no way to control the gas as it comes out, so THAT is funky, too (though, it doesn't smell because the bag contains it -- you just get the sound). And the "rebuilt" part of my body inside my butt gets sore, too! So, alot of activity there.

I'm finally walking a bit more. Still slowly, and not far, but it is progress - yay!

The path report was overall good. The lymph nodes were clean, so that is great. But the tumor ran to one edge. The doctors do not recommend more radiation and chemo -- yay -- but, here is the hard part, they tell me that they will give it to me if I want it. Which means, it is up to me. More responsibility than I think I want. I soooo do not want to do more chemo. The memory of it is too awful and fresh. At the same time, my sons fall asleep next to me saying, "I love you so much" and I look at them and think, can I tell them that I did everything possible?

On the other hand, I really want to get back to normal life. There is no proof that more chemo will really do anything. I have another meeting tomorrow to discuss this with the doctors and am trying to get my questions in order, to try and figure it out.

There is more, though. I have felt so disconnected from my intuition, from God, from everything that I trust with my life. I feel like I am getting signs, finally, that I am connected to the Universe. I can tell you more about them if I haven't already. So I am trusting and hoping for a sign about the right decision to make next.

Those are all the logistics. But, in my little depression and isolation, I think I made it even worse by not connecting with anyone at all. Thank you so much for being there. I really tried to crawl into a hole, and you wouldn't let me, and I appreciate that so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I thank you with my life.

I'm going outside to breathe some fresh air, and will be back online soon.

Much love,

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