Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Another colonoscopy

For the first time ever, I found blood in my stools. Yikes. I didn't even catch this before having cancer. And now, there it is, undeniably.

Reluctantly, I told the doctors, who ordered a colonoscopy. Of course.

I was originally told that they only needed to look in the lower colon, not a full colonoscopy. BUT, today, I was informed that it would indeed be a full colonscopy.

I freaked out.

I don't know what it is. The fact that everything is so out of my control? That people are poking and prodding at me all the time? That I just had enough? And the woman booking the appointment just couldn't understand my need to understand more about the procedure, what the doctor was like, etc. And I just felt like life sucked. I rarely feel like all of life sucks, so that in itself sucked. And down the vortex I went, into the ocean's drain with all those frigging plastic bottles and flotsom and jetsom that will just never go away.

They wanted to postpone my chemo to do the colonoscopy and all I could think of was that Tania and Eleanor and maybe Kerry would be coming with me to chemo this week and I didn't want to reschedule it, and also because the end was in sight. So she agreed to squeeze me into Friday's schedule so that I didn't have to change my chemo day.

After all that, just before the procedure, I burst into tears and was crying and dreading the IV and unconsciousness when I heard Stephanie's voice saying, "IVF nap" which cracked me up while I was crying and maybe made me look like a crazy lady but I felt better.

So thanks for meeting and the bright spots that carry into today. And thank you so so much for listening and being there.

Love, Marie

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