No chemo on Monday!

I would normally have chemo tomorrow (Monday, December 5) but my schedule shifted again and I will instead have chemo next Tuesday, December 13. If you were keeping track and about to send prayers and positive energy, thank you. Last time around, your prayers and thoughts made for a much smoother chemo week - thank you for that. I was able to get out of bed and although I still felt quite nauseous, I could function. And then, it just got better from there! So thank you for your very positive impact on my life.

As a group, my daily life changes because of the positive energy from you. When I started down this path, I had large reserves of my own energy and hope, larger than I knew at the time When something happened, I unconsciously dipped into my reserves to bring myself up. But since September, it seems that my reserves are slim and sometimes none. 

Without these reserves, two new supports shone through. One is the power of God. I realize I am carried by this on a daily basis, but sometimes my awareness is stronger than others.

The other is the power of a group of people who are praying and sending good energy my way. The difference you make is tangible.

I know you can feel varying energies with friends and colleagues. Being around some people can pull you up, and being around others, however much you love them, can pull you down. Being in some environments is life-giving, while other environments suck the lifeblood right out of you.

I started to notice this more and more when going in for chemo. For whatever reason, I got depressed even walking into MGH lately. There was no one specific reason; it is more of an intangible feeling. My oncologist is caring, very smart, and knew my history. Though my rock-star chemo nurse switched working days, the others nurses were there for me, and the institution itself is top-notch. But when I entered the building, my entire body sank.

Still, it took about a year before I had the energy to change the situation. It is much easier for me to stay stuck in the way things always have been, especially when I can rationalize why I am staying. I know, though, when I start to do that, it is indeed time to make a change.

Fortunately, we live in an area with several great options, and, last week, I rallied and got to meet with an oncologist at Dana Farber. From the start, things felt better. When my friend and I drove into the parking garage, we planned to self-park but accidentally drove into the valet line. No problem - the valet moved the cars so we could drive through, with a pleasant tone of voice and without eye-rolling or eyebrow-raising. We entered the new building, where people cheerfully directed us to the right floor. And when I asked for a bottle of water (not noticing the sign in front of me that said "Refreshments"), a gentleman got one for me with good cheer and no sarcasm. The patient sitting next to me asked if they had Scotch, too. 

The oncologist was easy to talk with, knowledgable and direct. He shared his positive energy and gave all the time I needed. I left the building feeling pretty upbeat. Of course, I didn't actually have chemo that day, but that's a detail.

I am fortunate that all my doctors, at MGH, Dana Farber and Beth Israel, know each other well and work seamlessly together. Even if I am not working routinely with the doctors at MGH, it helps my emotional transition to continue to consider them as part of my team. 

To remain on schedule, I should have chemo this week. But, the boys have two weeks of vacation at Christmastime, and I'd love to spend it with them if I could. The oncologist was comfortable jiggering my chemo schedule for December to make that happen. So, rather than chemo ever other week, the next two sessions will be at every three weeks, and then, in January, I start every other week again. I know this sounds convoluted; don't feel like you need to follow it. 

The plan is to keep doing chemo and see what happens before determining a next step. This is more uncertainty than I would choose to live with, but I guess I don't get to choose. So, I'm along for the ride.

If you don't mind, I'll send out a reminder for prayers, etc. before December 13.

In the meantime, please know how incredibly grateful I am to have your support. You are a huge part of my healing team, even if I don't see you very often. It feels a bit like I have fallen backwards without knowing whether I would be caught, then felt a zillion hands catching me. Thank you. And I send out all my positive energy your way.

Much love and light,

Marie

Request for prayers

Hi everyone,

Chemo day tomorrow (Monday Nov 21). 

Last time around, your prayers, etc. totally changed my experience of chemo week. I am going to push my luck and ask you to do the same this time around.

So, even if as you read this, if you can offer up a quick prayer, positive thoughts, or whatever good vibes you can manage for a good chemo week, I would really appreciate it! Whatever you believe and can offer, I personally believe in the power of all of us together sending all this forth. I've seen and felt its power, and I may be getting greedy, but would love it all again!

THANK YOU so much!!!! And in case I don't get to write before Thursday, have an incredible and very blessed Thanksgiving day.

Love,
Marie

Thank you and Palliative Care Conference

THANK YOU for your positive thoughts and prayers. They have made a HUGE difference this week! I was able to get out of bed and even eat and get out a little every day. I am so amazed at the power of everyone together and I want you to know about the impact it has. It is amazing.

On another note, I attended a palliative care conference last week. The experience was enlightening for me. If you are interested in reading about it, the link is here:

http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2011/11/what-do-you-tell-your-children-about-cancer-palliative-care/

I am so grateful for your support through this and in awe of the difference you make.

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thank you for your belief in healing. 
Much love to you.
Marie

Prayers for a good chemo week

I hope you are having a wonderful weekend. It is glorious here in New England.

I return to chemo on Monday. I've only had three sessions so far but each round has been crazy hard for me. I recently realized that one of the differences from a year ago is that I used to write to you BEFORE I had chemo and ask for your prayers for a good session. Lately, I have been writing afterwards, which doesn't really give you a chance to pray and send good vibes.

So, for this round, I am writing BEFORE I go in, to ask for your prayers that the chemo kills the cancer cells, that my healthy cell stay strong and escort the cancer cells out of my body, and that I feel fine going through this round. (Feel free to make your prayers even more specific as you see fit.)

Thank you!

Often through my treatments, I feel like I am tracking with my 93-year-old father-in-law, who is not dealing with cancer but does have age-related issues. At various points in this journey, you might find both of us reclined in my family room, each needing a drink of water, but neither able to get up and get it. We would look longingly at the kitchen, which is just a few steps away but seemed to be at the other end of a football field. The silence was only broken by his words, "Will someone be here anytime soon?" We were so comically pathetic.

Each time, eventually, we both healed and were up and walking again. 

When I returned from my recent hospital stay, he had also returned from a hospital stay. Together, we spent a week on clear liquid diets. And once again, we both healed. 

The other day, he came to visit, and, on his way out the door, said something like, "I don't think I can hang on much longer." 

I told him that I've felt that way before, then joked that he should hang on at least another week because his son was coming to visit. He looked at me, smiled and said, "Okay, I can do that."

As he left, I realized that I need him to hang on, even if only because the parallels are starting to freak me out. Almost every single person I meet who has dealt with cancer or anything difficult inspires me to keep going. It is kind of like running a marathon -- when I see others moving forward, I take one more step forward. And if they stop, I suddenly lose my momentum, too.

Thank you for sharing your trials with me - it helps me to step outside myself. Thank you for continuing forward in spite of them, and thank you for managing them every single day - it inspires me to keep going. Thank you for cheering from the sidelines - it feels like roar of the crowds alongside the Boston Marathon. Thank you for living a joyful life - it helps  me to know that this world is full of so many good things. Every little positive action seems to magnify as it travels. Then you for sending yours my way!

Love,

Marie

Blessings when you see them

What a crazy few weeks! Thank you for your help getting through all this, especially to those of you who were able to help in person as well. We were carried along by your nourishing food and company and your help with the kids, as well as everyone who covered for my husband at work. Even for those of you who say that it isn't a big deal - without your help, there would have been a gap. Thank you.

So much has happened to make these past couple of weeks crazy. In summary regarding my health, after spending some time in the hospital, I am doing much better and will take an extra week off before my next chemo session. 

Given this shift in my chemo schedule, we can now use meals on weeks where we didn't think we would need them. If you are so inclined, please let me know if you want to sign up.

In addition to my own health issues, we had innumerable crazy health experiences involving those we love, throwing us off our center in a big way. Though it impacts us deeply, the specifics are their news to share.

As for us, here are some key events:

After being ill at home for many days in a row, I rallied to meet with Eve Bridburg. Eve founded and is the current Executive Director of Grub Street, a literary arts center for writers of all levels. (If you are a writer, you need to check this place out.) I am energized just breathing the same air as Eve. She is creative, smart, funny and direct. She can cut through any degree of crap to get to the essence of whatever is going on or to highlight the absurdity in a situation. Leading a workshop, she provides important feedback to improve your work while keeping your ego intact. She laughs easily and at the right moment to diffuse tension, something I would love to be able to do. Obviously, I admire her and adore being around her. 

A confluence of circumstances brought her to my home last week (lucky me!) and, as we conversed, we discovered that we both worked for CSC Index at the same time! I shouldn't be so surprised; Index attracted smart, creative and direct people. But during that time, I was a consultant totally focused on my work, and she was an admin working her way through grad school. I don't remember meeting her, and, knowing myself from that time, I'm sure that I didn't spend a single braincell on someone who didn't directly impact my client or my team.

My loss! How silly that I didn't stop to appreciate all that wonderfulness and fun right in front of me. I feel like I could have been friends with her much earlier and enjoyed this friendship for so many more years.

After meeting with Eve, though, things went downhill fast in alot of ways. To spare you the gory details of everything, I'll focus on my time at MGH last week.

I went in for chemo on Monday, October 17, same schedule as always. My stomach felt raw and ragged, and the nurse practitioner questioned whether I should move ahead. But I had two more rounds to go before my PET CT, and I wanted to plow through them. 

MISTAKE. My stomach started out bad and got worse. After a couple of days, when I couldn't even keep down sips of water, I agreed to go to the ER. Thankfully, the oncology team paved the way and I got in without a wait.

Loads of things happened there, many of which are fuzzy due to all the pain I was in. For example, one of the nurses tried to force a huge needle into my port-a-cath, telling me that I had the wrong port. No - she was using the wrong needle. I can't blame her for insisting she was right against all evidence to the contrary - I myself have done that many times. One time, my husband and I flew on USAirways to Washington National Airport. However, I thought we were going to Dulles. When the flight attendants announced our landing at Washington National, I laughed and said to my husband, "Good joke!" without any explanation. When we got into the terminal, I commented with glee, over and over, how it looked just like Washington National. I must have sounded like a crazy person, but I knew that they had been remodeling the Dulles Airport and assumed that the final result made it look EXACTLY like Washington National. We were out of the airport before my mental image jolted in sync with my physical reality. But at least I wasn't trying to puncture someone's lifeline.

Larger than any of this, though, was the NG tube. NG is short for nasogastric tube, naso meaning something to do with nasal passages and gastric meaning the gastric system. It goes into your nose, down your throat and into your stomach. The patient needs to "cooperate" to have this all happen. That means, you need to go along with it AND actively swallow that tube. This sounds gross even if you aren't sick. It is a horrid vision if you are. 

Plus I hate the word "cooperate" when it comes to medical procedures. It makes me feel as though, if it fails, it is my fault.

Now, if you have swallowed an NG tube, you are a stronger person than I am. If you know anyone who has done this, they deserve life-long respect, admiration, and awe.

Here is the picture. My nose is clogged due to the chemo I am taking. Not a great start. And I am vomiting with only brief pauses, which means that the muscles in my throat are pushing things UP, not down. I am in the ER because can't swallow sips of water, much less a thick plastic tube that has already passed through nose-grossness. There was a doctor pushing this into my nose, and an assistant standing by with a glass of water and a straw. (They wouldn't otherwise let me have water, only ice chips.) 

The whole scene was insane. There must be a better invention. I asked them to knock me out, to give me anesthesia, anything to make me unaware, but no. They told me that I would feel better afterwards. I was skeptical. Finally, we agreed that I could keep vomiting, and they admitted me to the hospital.

My actual issue was a blocked intestine. If you think of your intestines as a one-lane, one-way highway with one exit, mine had a "road closed" sign, resulting in a major backup. Then, when my intestines and stomach produced their normal, regular digestive juices, those couldn't move forward, either. You can cure this by surgically freeing the blockage, or you can wait and see what happens, hoping to get lucky with it unblocking itself.

The nurses hooked me up to hydration to keep my kidneys going and we all settled in to see what course this would take. 

In the meantime, here is one way I survive my hospital stays: Every time I see the team of doctors, I ask them what things need to look like in order for me to be released. And then I ask them, what progress do I need to make that day toward achieving that goal. Finally, I focus every cell of my being, all day long, on achieving that progress.

Step one was to stop vomiting. However, everything in the hospital room - the detritus on the floor, the smell of the hand sanitizer, the shared bathroom - conspired to make me vomit. Still, I remained focused and achieved that goal.

After day 1 of not vomiting, the next step was to hold down clear fluids, meaning vegetable (or chicken) broth, apple juice, cranberry juice and jello. Gratefully, my husband brought the Whole Foods versions of these to me (another way I survive the hospital stays: food from outside). I still constantly felt like vomiting, but I held it together and finished 1/3 bottle of apple juice plus a large container of broth. I was quite proud of myself, but the team declared me too bloated to go home, and I was to continue on clear liquids. Argh. (I later learned that apple juice can make you bloated.)

By Friday, I was so done with being at MGH, and the doctors still didn't want to release me. Starting with chemo on Monday, I had been there almost all week, and feeling awful that whole time. On top of that, my new roommate kept repeating, "Thank GAWD I don't have cancer." I didn't even have a bed by the window, and I was getting a bit bummed out.

I lay in my bed, praying for I don't know how long. My back was to the door, and my eyes were closed. I tried to imagine being held, or being someplace safe....anything that helped me feel like God was near. I kept praying to feel His presence.

At some point, I rolled over and opened my eyes. Standing in the doorway was a short woman with dark hair, wearing a pink labcoat. She appeared to be waiting patiently.

"Can I help you?" I asked her.

"Would you like Communion?" she asked me.

Thank goodness I opened my eyes in time.

While I obviously miss so much, please know that I really treasure your being there, and appreciate your presence in all our lives. I am now home, feeling much better, and want to thank you for hanging in there with all of us.

Love,
Marie

Joy is back!

I'm so excited to say that my joy is back!!!

First, thank you for entrusting your prayers to me. I am truly honored to be able to deliver them to Lourdes and to pray them with you. Before I deposited them in their spot, I prayed them. (If you gave me something on paper, I didn't open it but prayed for your prayers in general.) Afterwards, I said rosaries for them, and lit candles. I even did the first Station of the Cross on my knees for them. At this point, I started to feel like I was becoming an old Italian woman, which, all things considered, would not be a bad thing.

Seriously, though, doing that was such a gift to me, and I have confidence that your prayers are heard and will be answered.

The town of Lourdes is located in southwest France, in the Pyrenees mountains. The geography itself is beautiful, but for a city girl, there are no restaurants to write home about, and the hotels are basic.  Winding our way through the crowds, from our hotel to the Sanctuary, we passed shops bursting with candles, rosaries, statues, holy medals and other religious chachkas. Our ears were filled with religious music blaring from speakers.

Upon entering the Sanctuary, the noise of the shops faded, replaced with the melody of Ave Maria floating through the air, the cadence of prayers, the murmur of rosaries. Or sometimes, louder than a murmur. I loved listening to the Italians - it was like poetry to me:

Ave Maria, piena di grazia, 

il Signore è con te. 

You can envision the Sanctuary like a college campus, but replace the academic buildings with churches, cathedrals, crosses and Stations of the Cross. The grounds expand to provide a feeling of spaciousness, while at the same time, enveloping everyone in the warmth of over a century of prayers. Except for a small bookstore and donation boxes for candles or for bottles to hold water, there is no commerce. Very few people talk on cellphones or text as they walk around or sit and rest. 

Last year, when I went to Lourdes, I focused on myself and my own healing. This year, I had a strong feeling that I was to go but not for myself. Unsure what that exactly meant, I decided to focus on your prayers and direct all my own prayers and actions toward everyone but me.

You know what - that was harder than I thought! It is difficult to be in a place of healing, in a place where almost 70 healing miracles have been documented by non-Catholic doctors and scientists, and to NOT ask for healing on my own behalf! But it was a good learning, a good discipline and good practice. There is something to be said for focusing outside myself. And I have a new respect for nuns, who basically do this as a career.

Plus, there is so much inspiration there, in the lives of Mary, Jesus, and St. Bernadette. That helped.

When I left Boston for Lourdes, I was pretty down and had lost my will to live. This is not simply because chemo was so rough; it was as though a switch had flipped inside me somewhere, and it was too dark to find it again and switch it back.

During my time at Lourdes, there was no earthshattering event. Returning home, though, I felt that something significantly shifted inside myself during my time there, and I am grateful for that. It literally feels like I have been touched by the grace of God.

I mostly feel like myself again. I even feel like a calmer version of myself, which is so nice. 

Like anything that causes a shift inside you - traveling to a different culture, an encounter with a soulmate, meeting your new baby - words are inadequate to describe the feeling.

But I want to you know, I am in such a great place, I love that this is possible. For whatever you are handling that might bring you down in any way, even if you can't pull yourself up in the moment, even if you feel like you are supposed to be down in this moment, please know that you never know what tomorrow or even the next moment will bring. I'll admit, that could go either way, but at least hope is back.

While I was having my crappy chemo week, before I left for Lourdes, the nurse called and convinced me to meet with Palliative Care. This has been suggested, off and on, for the past year and a half. Palliative Care is when you are aiming for quality of life rather than for cure. For a long time, I thought it meant giving up. And, last week, when I agreed to meet with them, I had, indeed, given up.

After I returned from Lourdes, I decided to take my decisions one moment at a time, and trust that, rather than have a plan, I would be guided toward the right thing to do at the time. So, I went to my appointments, but wasn't sure if I would be doing chemo.

I walked in feeling stronger, in a very different way then ever before. Strong in my center, as though everything would be fine, and I wasn't in this alone.

When the Palliative Care doctors arrived, I assumed they would offer me more drugs: "Depressed? Try this anit-depressent.  Stomach hurts? Try more Zofran." Like that. I hate that approach and wasn't sure how I would react. I decided not to worry about it and wait and see.

AND, they weren't like that at all. They listened carefully to my story and heard who I am. The lead doctor said that she could offer a menu of drugs, but that clearly wasn't the answer for me. She suggested two places to start:

1. Learn to accept and maybe even embrace chemo, because my attitude toward it is not helping me.

2. Try to replicate whatever it was at Lourdes that has moved me to this place.

Both of these are difficult for me. The first one has been suggested by many friends, several times over. It is like telling your kids that broccoli is good. They have to come to that on their own. Not sure if I can do this yet!

The second one - well, think about when you return from an awesome trip, one that has changed you in ways you could not predict or even describe. How do you keep from slowly returning to who you were before you left? You can't replicate pieces of what did it - it is the whole package together, some parts of which you may not even be consciously aware.

I do know that I need to nurture and grow whatever seed was planted in me while I was in Lourdes, and hopefully it will spread whatever blessings I got while I was there. That is my job now. Thank you for helping me get to this. And I hope you can personally feel God's blessings in this very moment as well.

Love,

Marie

Back on chemo and....an offer

Lio by Mark Tatulli

http://www.gocomics.com/printable/lio/2011/09/13/

This comic captures a part of my life lately. Thank you for being my safety net, especially when I am hit into a hole. 

The events of the past few weeks highlighted, for me, how important it is to have someone present in your life. Your notes and passing conversations mean so much. I couldn't answer from the dark place I was in, but I really appreciated them and read and re-read them. 

Even if you didn't reach out, please don't worry about it. Before I entered this crazy cancer world, I had no idea of what to say, how to say it, etc. I still don't know what to say when I encounter this with someone else.

Thank you also for signing up to bring dinners to us. We initially put two months of dates on the calendar, just to see what works. Unfortunately, we will need dinners past then, so once we figure out the routine (you'd think I'd know this by now!), we'll send out more dates. Stay tuned if you are interested!

I was initially relieved to start chemo this week. When the surgery was cancelled, I found myself in the odd position of actually hoping that I could get chemo. How ironic is that?

In spite of my gratitude for it, the treatment hit me with a bang. Chemo is cumulative so I understand, for example, the 10th treatment feels harder than the first. But, I thought that after taking such a long break, this first treatment back might feel more like my 20th. 

No -- it was more like my last treatment in January, picking up exactly where I left off.

I was sick, didn't feel like myself, couldn't think clearly, and didn't even get out of bed for almost three days. Once again I found myself with the familiar runny nose, the inability to clear my throat, the chemo taste in my mouth and the smell on my skin. On top of that, my tumors are painful and I have an almost constant stomachache. Those last two are new experiences for me. 

The kids seemed to deal with it well; they needed to be near me and played around me and were generally well-behaved and easy-going in my presence. It didn't matter if I could actually participate or even move - they dealt a hand for me in games of Uno and laid my cards on my belly. I was a grateful recipient of their spa treatments (Aidan's newest business idea), and their captive audience as they read books. They were calm and sweet and kind. 

When they weren't with me, I could hear their stress. They didn't want to leave me to go to school, they didn't want to play anywhere but near my bed. They would fight with each other and with Tiron over the smallest detail. 

This whole situation stunk. After four days, I decided that I couldn't do it again. I just couldn't do any more chemo. It was taking too much of a toll on me and on everyone around me.

I started to think: Everyone dies. Maybe it is better to just get it over with. There is something to be said about living your life without the pain and sickness of chemo or other treatments.

During my three trips to the hospital this week, I saw people in various stages of physical distress. Some were in wheelchairs, some on stretchers, others sitting silently with their discomfort. I tried to see what made them continue on each day, but I couldn't uncover anything

Yesterday, Thursday, I pulled my sorry butt out of bed and dragged it to yoga class. I spent the day forcing myself to consciously pay attention to and be thankful for specific things in my life, trying to find reasons to move forward. My yoga instructor was back. My acupuncturist offered to treat me while on her maternity leave. I am immensely grateful for these things, but they weren't reasons for living.

I went completely off my diet. I ate cheese, wheat crackers, watermelon, chocolate. I had a glass of wine. Those were good, but not as satisfying as I remembered. That night, I attended Curriculum Night for parents (also known as Back to School Night) at the boys' school, primarily in search of brownies.

Our two boys attend the school, one in third grade and one in Beginners (pre-K). Tiron and I split to cover both classes. Tiron suggested that I attend the third grade class discussion because I am usually the one to help with any academics. I told him that I wanted to go to the Beginners class tonight. I thought, but didn't say, that maybe he soon would be the one primarily helping with third-grade homework.

Once in the Beginner classroom, it was good to see the children's work and connect with the other parents. The teachers did an amazing job of presenting the Beginners class information. It was calming to hear their warm description of what the kids learn as they play with blocks or devise a dress-up scenario. We learned how the children will begin to collect and graph information, how they will write a story with their own made-up character, and how they will typically navigate friendships as the year progresses. 

I read Julian's description of himself: He lives with his brother, Aidan, his momma and daddy. He wants to be a race car driver when he grows up. The teacher explained, "He initially said that he just wants to be a grown-up." Me, too, honey. Me too.

To conclude the evening, the teachers ran a slide show of photos from the first couple of weeks. They played songs that, combined with the photos, make me teary (like, These are the Days to Remember by Natalie Merchant). I enjoyed the photos of Julian interacting with his new friends, swinging on the monkey bars, having a snack, reading a book, building a tower. I got to see the joyful faces of his classmates and realized that I totally love so many of them and am falling in love with the rest, as they are slowly making their own way in this new environment with joy and pride.

And that brought me back. For me, life is so much about experiencing these unchoreographed, unexpected moments, filled with love and shared with others I don't yet even know but who somehow become major part of our lives -- these surprise connections in each and every day. There is no way to know what is ahead of us, so we forge on and are often so fortunate to be bathed in joy and love.

I am happy for whatever circumstances allow us to connect. Your presence in my life brings me strength and joy. Please don't ever underestimate the power of that.

I am very self-conscious about taking more than I give lately. But I can offer this to you:

On Saturday night,  Tiron and I return to Lourdes. There is a spot where I can tuck a note: a request, a blessing, a prayer -- whatever you like. If you want, I would be honored to bring that for you or for someone you care about. 

I know this is last-minute, but if you can get it to me before Saturday afternoon, I will bring it with me. I promise that I won't read it!

Or, you can email it to me while we are there, though it would be more difficult for me not to read that if you want it to be private.

In the meantime, take good care, enjoy the day, and please know how powerful your presence really is.

Much love and many blessings,

Marie